Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Trust Your Gut...I got a story to Tell

Thanksgiving of 2013 my Godbrother tried to force himself on me...
It isn't that I never expected to be raped or tried in that way because...people are horrible. But, it made me think of that scene from "For Colored Girls" where she talks about the rapist being the person who has been in your face all the time and not the stranger you expected.
I'm not blaming myself, but I can only assume he thought this would be okay because we use to play fight. It's the reason I wanted a brother all my life, so that I could fight with someone. Lol. But...this was different. And in the beginning only my mother noticed it was a problem. Eventually the military, yes....the jerk is a military male, called him back and he was gone for a while.
Cue Thanksgiving 2013, he's in town. And I see something...else. Black soulless eyes. Stories of how he would prey on women while he was over seas, staring at them like a lion about to pounce, while his WIFE AND KID were at home. A wife he now disliked because she gained weight after having their son.  These are the stories he told to tell me and friends whom he had just met...at Thanksgiving.
He tries to play fight, but something in gut won't stop bothering me. I dodge, I say stop(I SAID STOP), I move away. After a few hours he gets the point.
Fast forward to the next day...
My sister's best friend had come up for the holiday as well and we were sleeping in the same room. She and her then fiance left. But when she left...she left the door open and he was in the living room which wasn't far away. I freaked out as though everything in my soul knew what was coming.  So I jumped up and closed it.
I get up to go to the rest room and see that he isn't in the living room, dining room, kitchen and the bathroom was empty. AMEN!!! The devil is gone!
Door bells rings...it's him. He forgot something.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
I let him in and go back to the room.....start to close the door...
"Wait, gimme a hug, I'm about to leave."
*deep sigh* *one arm hug*
Everything else happened really fast.
The squeeze, the peck on the lips, the butt touch, the whisper in my ear that I should have "give[n] him some", me shoving him away and slamming the door.
What...the...heck?!
I stood there holding the room door closed until I heard the door leading outside BOTH shut.
I sat on the bed trying to figure out what in blue blazes just happened!
Did my Godbrother really just try that? What should I do? Why didn't you punch him in the face? So stupid... You should have fought more.
I could have gotten raped?! Really?! In my parents house?! Nigga, you tried this in my parents house! Your deceased mother's best friend! This is gonna cause a problem if you say something. You pushed him off. They aren't gonna believe you. This is your mother's deceased best friend's son. (Bastard...) Should I go to the police? Nothing actually happened... He's military...(NAVY) You gotta say something....But what about?
You gotta say something....But what about?
You gotta say something....But what about?
You gotta say something....But what about?
You gotta say something...But what about........
What about me?
What about how I feel?!
Is this gonna effect me tomorrow...next week...next year?
Everytime I hear the name COURTNEY am I gonna cringe? Will my stomach drop?
He didn't get as far as he could have but will the mere mention of his name make you uncomfortable...and tense...and pissed at him... and pissed at yourself for not fighting more...
Eventually the answer to all of that became yes. It's 4 years later and I still get mad, and cringe a little, and pray I never see him in public because...it never plays out well in my mind.
But I made a decision that day, that it seems no one I know or anyone they know has made.
I said something... because I decided that I MATTERED to me more than he had or ever would again.
In the midst of my back and forth thoughts, I heard someone in the kitchen and decided to speak up before I started talking myself out of it again.
My dad...of course. I tell him...
He grips the counter, few deep breaths, asks if I'm okay, looks me up and down to see if I look worse than what I'm saying, I say I'm fine and go upstairs.
I started talking...figured why stop. Next stop, sis and bro-in-law, and mother....and later a few friends.
We call to confront, and this fool has the audacity to say hello "didn't mean it the way I took it." All my thoughts go against everything I was raised to say or think but I'm justified and honest unapologetic about it.
He was wrong. And I said something.
Bad people remain as such because others give them hope that they can get away with it by the victim staying silent.
Even if you THINK no one will listen or believe you...keep talking until someone does.
Did I go to the police? No. And part of me thinks I should have. So that I do regret, but I'm glad I said SOMETHING to someone, and no longer will be subject to that evil in my presence. Personally I think we should have gone after him with bats and knives but....oh well
The bad things that happen aren't always some lesson....people are just jerks. Don't contribute to the evil by staying silent, when you deserve to be heard. They deserve to be stuck in a place they DON'T want to be for putting you in a situation you DIDN'T want to be in. 
And don't only focus on people you don't know. The devil never is a stranger. He always makes himself look very familiar and inviting.
He'll probably never know how this effected me. Heck, probably wouldn't care if he did know considering according to him, I took what he said "the wrong way" *evil side eye*
But I'm here. I spoke up for this. And if I deserve to speak up for what happened to me...you deserve to have your voice too.
I'm still in decision mode about whether or not to put his picture in this post. Maybe he's gone further with someone else and they need support....hmmmm
Speak...Heal...Grow
#PhoenixOut

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