I despise feeling lost.
I've been really inside myself for a long while now. I haven't talked about it in much detail to, well, anyone. I pray about it but honestly, I don't know if I'm getting an answer or if I have to find it on my own while still trusting it will work out.
For the first time in my life, I lost a friend. Not because of a fight. Not betrayal. Not distance. Not because they were in a relationship. But, because they died. For 27 years I hadn't had to experience this and the first time I did all I could think was, "this could have been avoided." (Thus making the loss worse). This is where that feeling started. I know that now. Sure, other things are added to it, but this really pushed it over the edge and put things in perspective.
Now, I don't want you to think that I assumed I was immune to losing friends this way. I had lost a sister/friend 6 months before, but this death hit closer to home for me. I mean, you always remember your first love, right?!
So, I'm trying to accept, and deal with it, and rationalize, and analyze, and all these things. I'm praying, I trying to stay inspired to move forward, I'm distracted, I'm ALL OVER THE PLACE. I officially felt unsettled.
Now, so much after that followed that further pulled me down into the pit I had to accept that I was in. I wanted to be alone, but understand that sometimes I need to be around people, but while around people I wanted to leave. (cue Alessia Cara, "Here"). The life and mind of an ambivert, smh.
So, what do you do? Pray! Clarity. Strength. The courage to follow through when moments I need to be strong come up. The strength to be courageous when I feel weak. Yeah...I didn't do that. I literally LET life beat me down. I haven't been suicidal in 10 years, so that didn't cross my mind. But I did inquire to God about why I was still here.
*whisper* Phoenix.....
I have been broken more times that I care to re-think about. Any lesson that came my way last year, I'm positive I missed succeeding at, but I was paying attention to what was trying to be taught.
So, my hidden melancholy turned into constant reflection. Constant conversation with God and myself. Pray and affirmation. And this all just to get OUT of the hole and back in alignment.
I don't believe in making New Years Resolutions, so I started on that journey in October 2015 when I got sick of being depressed and having anxiety attacks. Heh, it's a blessing and curse to be able to hide it so well. To those around me who got it, thank you for hearing my silence.
So, depression aside. Questioning life aside, I have committed, and stumbled continuing, positive affirmations and prayer in my life. I was lost...and I need to be found. And I am prepared to accept whatever God has me to find about myself. I know full well it won't be easy. There is so much in the ashes that I have come out of over and over again. Some gems, some thorns...
"I know God won't give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." -Mo. Theresa
As an artist, we fight between keeping our scars hidden and constantly exposing them. I have understood that for some time, my life is meant to touch others...even if it that is singular. Whoever you are, I love you. And you can continue, pick yourself up, and move forward to greater.
Until next time...
Think it, believe it, and be it
#KeepMovingForward
